Planes vs Trains

Plane:

1.     Catch taxi to bus station

2.     Catch ridiculously expensive bus to airport

3.     Arrive 2 hours prior to flight departure

4.     Wait in “quick check in queue” (aka cattle muster) to check in bag: allow 45 minutes minimum

5.     Wait in security queue: allow 45 minutes minimum

6.     Take out liquids/gels/lotions in separate plastic bag for inspection

7.     Realise you still have your water bottle and sunscreen in handbag. Surrender both. (Refrain from calculating how many sunscreens and water bottles have been lost in this manner, estimate financing a small African nation)

8.     Take out laptop from handbag, then take out laptop from protective case, take off trench coat, scarf, belt

9.     Stand in queue for bag and body scanning

10. Go back through body scanner, take off shoes, re-scan

11. Try and co-ordinate putting shoes on, resheathing laptop, finding gels/liquids bag, re-dressing, and putting it all back into the single handbag you are allowed as carry on

12. Find the gate your plane departs from

13. Realise the gate is 4.5 km away; run at high speed to gate

14. Wait in ‘queue’ (aka sheep pen) at boarding gate

15. Board plane alongside suckers who paid £11 for speedy boarding

16. Fight for seat and space in overhead locker alongside suckers who paid £11 for priority seating

17. Buy bottle of water for £12.95. Relax. Enjoy view of clouds.

18. At arrival, wait in queue for customs, then queue for luggage.

19. Total time minus flight: 3.5 hours

Train:

1.     Catch taxi, local bus, metro or walk to train station

2.     Arrive 30 minutes before train departure

3.     Wait in queue for bag scanning and security checking: allow 5 minutes

4.     Find train platform

5.     Get on train

6.     Take out gourmet 3 course lunch you bought from Marcs and Spencers, along with bottle of French champagne (750 ml)

7.     Enjoy view of fields

8.     On arrival, take your luggage off the train.

9.     Total time minus train ride: 39 minutes.