1. Pray. If you don’t have any religious affiliation, develop one (preferably the God who saves). There ain’t nothing gonna save you but a higher power on the streets of Europe.
2. Think you may be on the ‘wrong’ side of the road? If there isn’t a car coming at you, you’re on the correct side of the road. If the car coming at you is smaller than yours, you’re still on the correct side of the road. It’s a bit like playing chicken.
3. If there are cars going in all different directions and stopped at odd angles, you may be in a carpark. But it’s far more likely that you’re still on the road. Try to remember which side the driver sits on (it’s NOT the right!) before you decide to overtake a ‘parked’ car. If you actually are in a carpark, the lines indicating where you should park are just there for decoration. Can't find a spot? Entrance and exit points also make great parking spots.
4. The streets in southern France are often only one lane wide as they wind around mountains, along cliffs and over large bodies of water. Never let this one lane business deter you from overtaking the car in front of you. If you are being overtaken, pray, grip the steering wheel, scream like a teenage girl and keep driving, preferably on the road and not down the precipice into the ocean below.
5. Pedestrian crossings are parallel white lines painted on the road to let you know that if you step off the curb and enter the traffic without a) praying and b) taking a decent run up high-jump-style, a good attempt will be made to run you down. The little green man means nothing.
6. Indicators are little flashing lights at the rear of your car that you turn on or off with a little lever near your steering wheel. In some countries these indicate that you want to change lanes or turn left or right. In Europe these lights can be used as you please to make your car sparkle and look pretty.
7. Motorbikes are out to get you. They are faster, more agile, can see around blind corners, and have an uncanny ability to predict when you want to change lanes, in order to get into your blind spot and freak you out.
8. Entering a roundabout? Call your travel insurance company first, and ask what your permanent disability premium is. Then decide if you’d like to choose another route. While in the roundabout, you and your travel companion should yell “STAY RIGHT STAY RIGHT STAY RIGHT” in order to assist the backwards navigation.
That 2 hour trek through the streets with 20kg of suitcase in the searing heat suddenly becomes a lot more tolerable compared to getting in a car, hey...
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