3 funny conversations

3 actual conversations all had in the same 24 hour period.

Conversation 1:

LW: Nurse, could you please help me lift a patient up the bed?

Nurse: Oh hang on a minute, I just have to measure Mr X's rig.

LW (googly-eyed, red-faced, splutters): Um, I don't know why you'd need to do that!

Nurse: well, we have to check the circumference.

LW: Why on earth do you care about the circumference of Mr X's penis?

Nurse: Lindsay, I don't know where your mind is, but I am checking the tube coming out of his stomach to see if there are signs of infection.

LW (mumbles): In Australia, we have a different meaning for a rig.

Nurse: In the UK, we laugh at Australians. 

Conversation 2:

On the phone:

Customer service (CS): Your username?

LW: lindsaytwagner

CS: um, so that's Wagner with an 'o' 'r'?

LW: No, an 'e' 'r'

CS: Hm. So it's Lindsay with an 'l 'y'?

LW: No, with an 'l' 'i'

CS: Right. Not showing up. Is it Lindsay with an 'e' 'y'?

LW: Um, no, that'd be an 'a' 'y'

CS: Ok. Still not on our system. I have Lindsay spelt 'Linsay'

LW: There's a 'd' in the middle of Lindsay.

CS: Ok. Can I just confirm, it's Lindsay D Wagner?

LW: Ok, I'm just going to spell it. L.I.N.D.S.A.Y.T.W.A.G.N.E.R

CS: Oh, there you are! 

LW: We probably should have done it that way to begin with.

Conversation 3:

Speech Therapist: Let's do aquarobics this afternoon at the gym!

LW: Ooh yes, it's quite a bit trickier than it looks. My friend and I tried to remember the moves so we could do it on the weekends in our friends' pools.

(All UK speech therapists roll about on the floor laughing, LW confused and embarrassed)

LW: I know it's a bit nanna-ish to do aquarobics in your home swimming pool... but it's not that funny.

Speech therapist: What's funny is that you guys actually have swimming pools in your back gardens!

LW: some of us, yes. Why?

Speech therapist: What on earth for?

LW: to cool down, you know, after work, on the weekends.

Speech therapist:  Oh yes, I forgot. It gets hot enough there to actually WANT to go swimming in the outdoors. Here, you just take off your cardie in the summer.

LW (mumbles): Why am I here again?