How to... Speak English

I've been completely lost in translation a number of times at work. Here are a few examples:

word: pants.
Example:
Another therapist: "ooh, I like your skirt."
me: "pff, the only reason I'm wearing a skirt today is because I only brought one pair of pants with me from Brighton for work. Yesterday they got barium on them. So I can't wear my pants today. In fact, I can't wear pants til next week as our washing machine is broken."
Therapist: googly eyed, red faced, makes excuse to leave room.
English translation: pants = underwear.

word: lolly.
Example:
me: "Ethel (no, not violating privacy, all little old ladies are called Ethel in my blog), I need to see you chewing something. Can I get you a lolly to chew?"
Ethel: "oh no, love. Why would I want a lolly? My teeth get all shivery when I eat lollies."
me, to nurse: "Ethel's not all there, is she? She's whingeing about lollies making her teeth cold."
Nurse: "lollies make me cold too. It's not the season for lollies."
me: (to self): weirdo. Why does there need to be a lolly season?
English translation: lolly = iceblock.

word: pop.

Example:
me: "Ethel, I need to see you have a drink. What would you like? Tea, cordial, water?"
Ethel: "none of that love, I need a pop to aid me digestion."
me: "alright then, I shall pull the curtains and leave you in privacy."
Ethel: looks confused.
English translation: pop = soft drink (not a bowel movement).

word: dinner.
Example:
me: "can I give you your lunch, Ethel?"
Ethel: "Oh no, love. I've just had me dinner."
me: "Ethel, it's only 12:30. No-one's given you your dinner. Now have some of this roast pork."
Ethel: "I don't want any! I just had me dinner!"
me (to nurse): "Ethel's really confused today. She thinks it's dinner time."
nurse: "but it IS dinner time."
English translation: dinner = lunch.

word: pudding
Example:
me: "Ethel, would you like some dessert?"
Ethel: "no love, I want me pudding."
me: "we don't have any pudding. We have icecream, jelly, chocolate cake, mousse..."
Ethel: "yup. Pudding."
me (to nurse): "can you get Ethel some pudding? She doesn't want any of these desserts."
nurse: "well, that's all we have. She'll like whatever pudding she gets."
me: "oh, so you DO have pudding?"
nurse: (exasperated): "we have icecream, jelly, chocolate cake, mousse."
me: "but no pudding."
English translation: pudding = dessert. Not just pudding. All desserts.